Monday, May 05, 2003

It seems like not everything can be good at the same time. I'm not quite sure why, but it's weird sometimes. For instance, Holly and I went out this weekend and it was fun, but she now has to re-evaluate whether she thinks this is from God or not. I understand her concern, and yes, I know god needs to bless this relationship, but still... I really like her and I just don't know what is going to happen now.

Perhaps it is selfishness and perhaps it is just my lack of faith in God to handle relationships, but still, I don't like that this is happening. I'm all for God to bless things, but you don't tell someone that you know that a relationship is from God and then all of a sudden state that you have to figure out whether it is or not. Granted, we just met a little over a week ago, but we were hitting it off.

Maybe I'm just complaining for no reason at all. I just know I like Holly a lot and that I want it to work out. I know I want God to bless this as well, but I just really want God to say yes to this one. I trust in his judgment at any time... I just want this so bad.

Monday, April 28, 2003

It's funny how life works out sometimes. For instance, with all the trouble that I've been having with girls and stuff, I just started talking to two this weekend and it's great. I mean sure, I just started talking with them, but they already want to go out, which is really cool.

I guess the best thing learned from this is that if God doesn't seem like He's working right now, it may be because he is storing up something really good for you in the future. I know it's hard to wait, and I'm sure I'll grumble again when things aren't going good again, but I think I will have a deeper understanding of why things happen and that they will get better. Wow. Thank you God for your wonderful gift of life and your merciful grace that keeps me with you at all times, no matter what I do.

You know, it's funny. I went back and read the few past postings that I put on here and it's quite interesting. Some of the postings are just like "I wrote that??" and others are like, yeah, I remember feeling that. It's interesting to watch the curve of what was going on in my life at the time. At some points, it was just crazy and at others, it was totally awesome. It is funny sometimes how God uses the bad in life to exploit the good things He brings. I don't know how to explain it, but from the bad comes good somehow down the road, which is what we must look for if we are to be happy. However hard it may be, we have to look for that. That is the joy we have. That is God's grace.

Friday, April 25, 2003

It has been a really long time since I posed here and it seems as if I was kinda mad last time and as I remember, I was. But it has been so cool what God has shown me through the many things that I have come through and yet he continues to teach me every day.

For example, yesterday I learned the peace that surpasses all understanding. Something bad had happened with one of my friends... well, actually two of them were involved. I was literally livid about it. I almost couldn't see straight. Well, the next day I woke up and I was a little shaken still, but not too bad. And by the end of that night, I felt at peace. I don't know why. Nothing had really changed, but I felt better. Perhaps it was just me playing it out in my mind, but I'm pretty sure that God had to do a lot with it. The feeling was awesome.

Well, today things are going good. I have quite a lot of work to do, but that's OK. When do I not have a lot of work to do? I like my job. It's fun.

Well, tonight, I'm going out with friends and probably playing D&D tonight. Who knows exactly, though. We always just do what we want to do, which is fine with me because I'm up for that spontaneous stuff. Well, I'd love to put some more stuff here, but I do have to get back to work. Hopefully, I will post again soon!

Sunday, January 05, 2003

The world simply just isn't right. Don't get me wrong. I am more than blessed and more than overwhelmed by the grace that God has given me. I wouldn't trade my life as it is right now for anything. I am content where I am more or less and don't want to move from where I am.

But some people just get the short end of the stick. Let's take my friend... well, we'll call her M to protect her :) Seven years ago I taught M in a VBS at our church. She was happy like a ten year old should be. She was carefree, even though, unbeknownst to me, she had a troubled past. I lost contact with her for seven years. She was too young to carry on a friendship at the time, so I just let it go. After seven years passed, we got together as a couple, and what I saw scared me. She had turned from a caring person to a careless person because all the world had shown her was hatred and lust and just the horrible things of life. Why? Why did Satan have to prey on her? She was weak, she didn't deserve it and she didn' t have a way to defend herself. I did. I was stable, I grew up Christian. WHY COULDN'T HE PICK ON ME????????????????????? Alas, I will never know. Perhaps God needs me for something else. Something greater. I just wish I could have stopped her pain. No one else was showing her God, and by the time I got there, there was no room left for Him in her world. No room...

Thursday, December 26, 2002

Christmas is a funny time. It brings people back together and seems to be a point where a lot of people are happy. Take mom and I for example. We had really no one to have for Christmas, but went to a friend's house and spent it there. We had the best time.

This Christmas was fun too... I got a great gift from mom and she got her PocketPC! It was really great. Everyone was happy again. Perhaps this will last throughout the coming year. At least I hope it will!

Not much other to report. Just working. Can't wait till New Year's Eve... going with the teens to go skiing... fun stuff all around :)

Oh, the Christmas program went great. I threw up right before it, but was fine for the rest of the night. Then in a couple of days I was totally better, which was good because feeling sick is horrible! Anyway, so many people said it touched their lives, which is good. God needs to touch people's lives if we are to win in this battle of good versus evil. We sure as heck can't do anything on our own!

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

Christmas... bah humbug :) No, actually I'm looking foward to Christmas. Really awesome time of the year... the snow, the presents, the friends, the family, the eggnog. Stuff like that! People just seem to not be happy around this time of year, and that's a bad thing because they should be happy! It's Jesus's birthday! Celebrate!

Well, that's it for right now. I'm at work, so I've got to work... just wanted to add that little blurb :)

Sunday, December 15, 2002

I really need to get better about posting on this thing. Last post was on December 3rd. Geesh!

Anyway, you know it's kinda funny. You try to do what's right and then things just seem to bite you in the butt over and over again. Seems like an uphill battle some times. I guess that's life for you, tho :) That's how things go. I guess when you've fallen this far, that is how it will feel for a while. But it's Christ's birthday... it's time to celebrate. Not time to fuss about things.

Speaking of Christmas, boy is it busy. The Christmas program is this Friday. Woohoo! I can't wait. It will be tons of fun. It always is. The choir is spectacular once again. The pianists are pretty good too :) It's a great program. Now all we need to do it put a little God into it and we've got magic. God's magic that is :)

Ooh... I just remembered. I am now officially a Notary Public. That's pretty cool, actually. I know it's a small task, but it's one step closer to getting back on my feet, which is always a good thing.

We had practice tonight and went out to eat with friends afterwards. It's so good to have people who care about you. I don't honestly know what I would do without some of them... including my mother... ha... who'd think that your mother could be so important to your life some times?

OK, well, if it wasn't 12:00 in the morning, I would be practicing piano right now... time's a wasting :) Not too long until the program!

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

Things have gotten better. I don't miss Megan as much, but as I've suspected, this is a roller-coaster of a ride. Days will come that are good and days will come that are bad. Such is life, huh? Such is love too.

Well, the good news is something I've learned on the 23rd Psalm. Take a look at the first three verses and reverse them. In other words, the first part would be come "The Lord is not my Shepherd. I will always be wanting things". If you do that, it gives new meaning to not being close to God. It kinda described my life before coming back to God. Kinda funny, ya know?

Well, that's it for right now. Tomorrow I have to see if work will pay for college and do tons of work :) We should be getting our jackets tomorrow as well. Pretty cool stuff!

Friday, November 29, 2002

Wow... where to start? OK, really, really fast synapse of my last three months of life: I almost lost my parents, almost lost my friends, wrecked my car, lost my job, got cheated on multiple times by my ex-fiancee, lost my virginity, and almost lost God. I managed to accomplish all of this in a matter of two months.

Now I have an excellent job, back with church and with friends and am wonderfully living now with my mother. Great stuff :)

So, that is why I have created this journal. I figured that I have fallen sufficiently from God to make it worthwhile to track my journey back to God to show His amazing hand in all that I do :) I have learned that grace is far beyond man's comprehension. We can't even imagine what the full extent of it is.

Well, if you want a full history of me, I'm sorry, but that just isn't going to happen. Too long and too painful and perhaps a little too personal to publish here. Maybe some day I will write a mini-autobiography. Ha... that will be the day!

Anyway... let's get on with today. Today has been hard. I have been missing Megan a lot and I don't know why. Everything that has gone wrong because of her you would think would just make me not miss her, but I do. Perhaps I miss the good things that happened, and yes, there were good things. Perhaps two people cannot be separated totally once they have been joined, and that is the burden I shall carry for the rest of my life.

However, I have been wishing I could change the past recently. What if I could have changed the moment that changed Megan for a lifetime so that she wouldn't have come out as bad as she did? Just what if? Well, some comfort comes from the movie "The Time Machine". Yes, I know it's a sci-fi movie and la la land, but they propose an interesting theory. If time travel was possible, would we really be able to change the past totally, or would we just be able to change the method by which it happens? That perhaps satisfies me for now :)

Anyway... that's about it for tonight. I'm happy... got a new bible and a case for my PocketPC... wonderful day :) Sun was shining. You learn to take pleasure in the simple things of God once you've gone through what I've gone through. You find out that all you ever need is God. I really do believe that now. Everything else is so flaky. So very flaky.